Read the satirical "Budget speech" and find out about Andronicos' non profit patent to harvest late payment surcharges for the benefit of tax payers and the World in general.
Azam: A PC software product invented by Andronicos to record meetings, diary entries and send voice emails without typing. Ideal for Directors of Communication at HQs when dealing with the press, to avoid misunderstandings.
CBI: The Confederation of British Industry is a lobbying group for Fat Cats. It's a sort of luxury cattery waited on by butlers.
Ceremonial Mace: A big long shaft made of gold that is a symbol of power which belongs to the Queen. Every year at least one MP has a tantrum by removing it, which results in his being grounded for a few days.
Chamber: The House of Commons where MPs sit and argue and say "humbug, "poppycock" or "shame on you", quite often.
Chancellor or the Exchequer: The minister in charge of Britain's finances who lives next door to the Prime Minister and shares a cat.
Conservatives: The Conservative Party (of Margaret Thatcher fame) is a bit like the Republican party, except they are not currently in power (2003).
Customs and Excise: The department that collects VAT and protects Britain's borders from contraband. Unlike their American cousins, they have magnanimously allowed my kids to munch on apples as they pass through border controls without being faced with the prospect of visiting the San Quentin Gas Chamber.
Debenture: Not to be confused with Denture, it is when a lender has the right to get his teeth into an insolvent company's assets and their invoice receivables.
DTI: The Department of Trade and Industry is the corporate police force to ensure Fat Cats are not spoilt too much. They protect people from illegal monopolies and argue a lot with their European Union counterparts.
Euro: The Eurodollar. A focus of debate so controversial in Britain that it makes the American Anti Abortion and pro-choice camps look friendly with each other.
Exchequer: An ancient term for where all UK tax payers' money ends up.
Fat Cat: A term of endearment given to Board Members of destitute public companies who earn enormous salaries and benefit packages while their shareholders languish in the Debtor's Prison on bread and water.
Here Here!: A form of verbal flattery used by MPs to prove their loyalty to a senior MP of the same Political Party during a speech, who can influence their promotion prospects. If you are American it is physically impossible to say this in a Parliamentary accent, unless you place two small plums in your cheeks. Fat cats are advised to use water melons for the same effect.
Humbug: A polite Victorian expletive used today by very posh people or MPs. (Not to be confused with Hamburger.) A less offensive form of expletive used only by extremely aristocratic MPs is "I say old chap, this isn't cricket." (The nearest American translation I can find is "this sucks", spoken in a Martha Stewart accent.)
IBM: A giant computer firm I had the "pleasure" of previously signing a Pan-European contract with, which included a free 200,000 dollar software test and demo license, for IBM to show customers, only to find that IBM were asking for our sales leads so they could take them. Following a "thorough internal investigation" that lasted several weeks to complete by IBM's top managers, their conclusion was that "IBM's behaviour was within the scope of dealing aggressively yet fairly against one of its competitors...and as such the file on the matter was now closed." If you would like to review IBM working practices, please refer to this page. If you have any comments relating to IBM, or wish to take part in a TV documentary, please email the author here.
Inland Revenue: IRS (equivalent in America)
Labour: The Labour Party (of Tony Blair fame) runs the country (2003).
Liberal Democrats: The third most popular party who would have a lot more MPs if proportional representation was enforced. There is no equivalent in the USA other than that chap who sits in Congress (or maybe the Senate) as an Independent. The LibDems would spend vast amounts of money on education. Had they been in power during the 1970's while I was at school, many of the typing errors and grammatical mistakes found on this website would not be there.
Lord: Of course, "The" Lord is God (God the Father, Allah, The Creator, Yahweh, The Divine One, etc). Not connected with the previous statement, if you sit IN the House of Lords, you are a Lord, security guard or some unfortunate tourist who got lost trying to find the toilet (restroom). Lords form the upper house, similar to the Senate, except they have an average age of 84 and the House of Commons can overrule them. A female Lord is a Lady. When you become a Lord you are invited to choose any place name not already taken (eg. Lord Smithye of Upper Chillbury). In the extremely unlikely event I was invited to join the club, I would be a cross-bencher (not to be confused with cross-dresser) to show no political party loyalty and choose the title "Lord Andronicos of the Galaxy", to impress airline cabin crew ("More coffee while munching on that Hershey bar, oh Lord of the Galaxy, sir?"). Unfortunately with a name like mine, it sounds a bit like Lord "Darth" Vadar's assistant, so I would have to decline the honour.
["Lord Vadar, the Greedy Trade Federation is being, well em, greedy by paying inter planetary invoices late. Shall we send them your IMF division to punish them, or one of your Darth Vadar Death Asteroids?" (He replies in Vadar speak) "No, oh da-ark Pad-a-wans. Get them to join the dark side instead, if they have not al-ready. Lord An-dron-icos will di-rect them as he will soon do with my I-B-M division. I want all the Fed-er-ation's late pay-ment sur-charg-es be put in my pens-ion fund."
"Yes master and thank you for letting us ask you." Just one minor point oh evil one, Lord Andronicos doesn't work for us. He has never been seduced by the dark side (M, or any woman for about 2 years, which is quite pitiful), what shall we do oh great Lord?"
"Si-lence! Get me a fat cat in-stead, NOW, or I will make you live on that nutty plan-et called earth for six-ty six life-times as an in-sect."
"Yes oh great evil Lord and thank you for reprimanding us for our stupidity. We deserved your wrath."]
Madam Deputy Speaker: The referee at the House of Commons. Traditionally the Speaker wears strange clothes and in the past got beheaded if they annoyed the king.
Minister: A top person in the British Government in charge of a key function. They tend to be reshuffled or sacked if they disagree with the Prime Minister, unless the Chancellor objects.
MP(s): Members of Parliament are similar to Congresspersons but are more noisy and paid less.
NI: National Insurance is a security and payroll tax that goes up quite often without it affecting the official line or promises relating to income tax increases.
North Sea Oil: A huge local oil reserve which is why petrol (gas) in Britain costs 3 times more than in America.
Opposition: The party not in power who think they should run the country. (A bit like the Democrats in the USA in 2003.)
PAYE: Pay As You Earn is the personal income tax paid by the non self employed every month.
Pillock: See Humbug.
Secretary of State: Minister in charge of the Police, Judges and a lot of other things. In 2003 the Secretary of State, a most able man, is visually impaired and is allowed to bring his guide dog to work in the House of Commons. Some say he will one day be Prime Minister.
Shadow Chancellor: The Conservative Spokesperson who argues with the Chancellor a lot. In fact he argues with a lot of Labour MPs generally.
Sir: A Sir is a knight. A female Sir is a Dame and not a Madame for obvious reasons (especially if spoken with a French accent). In America a Dame is a term used for a loose woman who frequents bars. Please don't get them confused so as to avoid diplomatic incidents. The Queen Knights people by sticking a sword on their shoulders. It is considered very rude in Britain to ask how or where "The Lady of the Knight" is, when discussing the wellbeing or location of a Sir's wife.
The Budget: A speech given by the Chancellor once a year, to explain how the country will have enough to eat in the coming year or two. The speech lasts about 2 hours and can make the listener believe that a forthcoming tax increase or major cut in public spending is the greatest thing since sliced bread (or Azam).
TV Licence: An annual tax, UK telly(vision) owning households have to pay for watching the BBC, whether they watch it or not.
VAT: Value Added Tax is a sales tax. In Britain it's 17½%. In other European countries it can be as high as 25%. Nevertheless, it is generally included in prices unlike American restaurants whereby the time you've finished paying for your meal, (including tips) it's about 30% more than the menu stated, so you end up having to do the washing up.
Whip: Party whips should not be confused with alternative lifestyles. They are MPs who have the task of persuading their own MPs to tow the party line when voting on controversial issues. A three line whip, if disobeyed, could result in lots of nasty repercussions on an MP's future career.
Woolsack: Another symbol of power, which the Speaker of the House sits on. According to legend, an MP who sits on the Woolsack while being unworthy of the privilege, will get piles (haemorrhoids) within 12 months. Being a British Greek Cypriot, I may be getting this legend confused with King Arthur, Excalibur and the Knights of the Round Toilet ("restroom") or some story my Grandma (Yaya Zoe) told me while I was undergoing potty training.
12-12-12: December 12th 2012. A special moment in history. Please refer to www.12-12-12.org. What if you were in charge of the world tomorrow?
For a wealth of excellent information about Parliament which could interest anyone living in the Colonies, refer to the Parliamentary website
Robin Hood
External links relating to the Author
12-12-12 home page (www.12-12-12.org). An unusual yet popular book and website written by the author: How well could you run the World?
Systems Management home page (www.irc-online.com). How well does your organisation run Problem and Change Management?
Azam home page (www.azamit.com). How well does your organisation communicate with PCs using the spoken word?